News
Athletes In Raucous Olympic Village Fuckfest Fake Having Bible Study As Curlers Enter Room
2+ hour, 22+ min ago (291+ words) MILAN'Rushing around the dormitory in order to conceal evidence of their recent activity, the dozens of athletes engaging in a raucous Olympic Village fuckfest Thursday were reportedly forced to fake having a Bible study session just as several members of…...
‘Dad’s Under A Lot Of Pressure At Work,’ Says Woman Of Husband Who Spends Half Day Playing ‘Clash Of Clans’
3+ week, 1+ day ago (293+ words) TACOMA, WA'Urging her kids to cut their dad some slack amid the added stressors of his work life, area woman Ashlyn Bergman reportedly informed her children Tuesday that their father, who typically spends half his workday playing Clash Of Clans…...
Disney Exec Reminds Toddler Only IP Goes On Fridge
3+ week, 3+ day ago (251+ words) BURBANK, CA'Encouraging the child to explore the conglomerate's vast catalog of characters and copyrights, Disney executive John Ervin reminded his 2-year-old daughter on Monday that only artwork featuring the company's intellectual property was permitted on the fridge. "That's very creative,…...
Stephen Miller Reminds Picky-Eater Son That There Starving Kids In Basement
4+ week, 2+ day ago (305+ words) ARLINGTON, VA'In an apparent attempt to guilt his children into eating their vegetables Monday, White House deputy chief of staff Stephen Miller reportedly reminded one of his sons, a picky eater, that there were starving boys and girls in the…...
Hospital Accused Of Faking Cancer Wing For Attention
1+ mon, 5+ day ago (30+ words) The post Hospital Accused Of Faking Cancer Wing For Attention appeared first on The Onion. The stars didn't ask for this, you know. They wanted to be a barber....
RFK Jr. Scales Back Childhood Mortality Schedule
1+ mon, 1+ week ago (243+ words) WASHINGTON'Saying the changes would empower Americans to make more informed decisions about their family's health, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced Wednesday that he had scaled back the department's childhood mortality schedule. "For too long, the U.S. government…...
Bullshit Newborn Not Even Christ
1+ mon, 3+ week ago (232+ words) READING, PA'Saying the snot-nosed brat sure as hell better not expect any damn frankincense or myrrh, sources confirmed Friday that a bullshit newborn wasn't even Jesus Christ, the Son of God.There's not a fucking chance this useless goddamn baby…...
Felt Beard Taped To Child’s Face Hanging On For Dear Life With Entire Christmas Pageant To Go
1+ mon, 3+ week ago (50+ words) The post Felt Beard Taped To Child's Face Hanging On For Dear Life With Entire Christmas Pageant To Go appeared first on The Onion. Wednesday, December 24, 2025 Time to migrate, if you haven't The stars didn't ask for this, you know....
Grandchildren Politely Decline David Cronenberg’s Bedtime Story Offer
2+ mon, 1+ week ago (252+ words) TORONTO'Assuring the 82-year-old filmmaker they could fall asleep perfectly fine without one, David Cronenberg's grandchildren politely declined their grandfather's offer to tell them a bedtime story, sources confirmed Monday.Oh, that's okay, Pop-Pop'we're so sleepy already," said 7-year-old Liam Cronenberg,…...
How Screen Time Affects Childhood Brain Development
2+ mon, 1+ week ago (110+ words) The post How Screen Time Affects Childhood Brain Development appeared first on The Onion. Friday, December 12, 2025 Better bring the servant that holds an umbrella over your head The stars appreciate your "whistle while you work" philosophy, but pallbearers are typically…...