News
Stephen Miller Reminds Picky-Eater Son That There Starving Kids In Basement
2+ hour, 34+ min ago (305+ words) ARLINGTON, VA'In an apparent attempt to guilt his children into eating their vegetables Monday, White House deputy chief of staff Stephen Miller reportedly reminded one of his sons, a picky eater, that there were starving boys and girls in the…...
Hospital Accused Of Faking Cancer Wing For Attention
6+ day, 21+ hour ago (30+ words) The post Hospital Accused Of Faking Cancer Wing For Attention appeared first on The Onion. The stars didn't ask for this, you know. They wanted to be a barber....
RFK Jr. Scales Back Childhood Mortality Schedule
1+ week, 6+ day ago (243+ words) WASHINGTON'Saying the changes would empower Americans to make more informed decisions about their family's health, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced Wednesday that he had scaled back the department's childhood mortality schedule. "For too long, the U.S. government…...
Bullshit Newborn Not Even Christ
3+ week, 5+ day ago (232+ words) READING, PA'Saying the snot-nosed brat sure as hell better not expect any damn frankincense or myrrh, sources confirmed Friday that a bullshit newborn wasn't even Jesus Christ, the Son of God.There's not a fucking chance this useless goddamn baby…...
Felt Beard Taped To Child’s Face Hanging On For Dear Life With Entire Christmas Pageant To Go
3+ week, 5+ day ago (50+ words) The post Felt Beard Taped To Child's Face Hanging On For Dear Life With Entire Christmas Pageant To Go appeared first on The Onion. Wednesday, December 24, 2025 Time to migrate, if you haven't The stars didn't ask for this, you know....
Grandchildren Politely Decline David Cronenberg’s Bedtime Story Offer
1+ mon, 1+ week ago (252+ words) TORONTO'Assuring the 82-year-old filmmaker they could fall asleep perfectly fine without one, David Cronenberg's grandchildren politely declined their grandfather's offer to tell them a bedtime story, sources confirmed Monday.Oh, that's okay, Pop-Pop'we're so sleepy already," said 7-year-old Liam Cronenberg,…...
How Screen Time Affects Childhood Brain Development
1+ mon, 1+ week ago (110+ words) The post How Screen Time Affects Childhood Brain Development appeared first on The Onion. Friday, December 12, 2025 Better bring the servant that holds an umbrella over your head The stars appreciate your "whistle while you work" philosophy, but pallbearers are typically…...
Study Finds Young People Now Watch More YouTube Content Than Zoetropes Of Galloping Horses
1+ mon, 1+ week ago (384+ words) LOS ANGELES'In a groundbreaking finding that reveals a major shift in media consumption habits, a new study published Wednesday found that young people now watch more YouTube content than zoetropes of galloping horses. "It may be hard for older generations…...
Crying Sounds Coming From Inside Suit Of Armor
1+ mon, 2+ week ago (49+ words) The post Crying Sounds Coming From Inside Suit Of Armor appeared first on The Onion. Our Miserable World At An Unbeatable Price Black Friday Sale. Get The Paper . Tuesday, December 2, 2025 The stars appreciate your "whistle while you work" philosophy, but…...
New Mexico Becomes First State To Offer Free Child Care
2+ mon, 2+ week ago (92+ words) Wednesday, November 5, 2025 New Mexico will become the first U.S. state to offer free child care to all residents regardless of income, saving families up to about $12,000 per child each year. What do you think? "Yeah, but I bet you have to…...